two completely opposing thoughts

Control, Sex and Intemacy. boy i'm really covering the gamut.

2005-05-16T13:28:00.000-04:00

If at first you don’t succeed…..then skydiving is not for you.

It has come to my attention (although it is apparently no surprise to those around me) that I am a control freak. I feel this over whelming urge to always be in control and if for some reason I can’t be the master of my own destiny in a given situation I manipulate the situation in some way so that I can regain some leverage or I make a run for it. This seems awfully unhealthy to me, however I am at a loss about how to go about changing that.

One thing I have tried to do recently to rectify this little quirk of mine is to try and identify situations in which I feel out of control and to be aware of how I react to them. This is a technique I learned through cognitive behavioral therapy. It a pretty interesting field of psychological study…but I won’t bore you with that (I would much rather bore you with stories about me LOL).

Anyways, what I have discovered as of recent is that the controlling beast within me seems to emerge most forcefully in my relationships with people, especially men. It’s not that I’m trying to tell them what they can and cannot do or am a jealous she-bitch or something. It’s more subtle then that. Rather, I think I feel this need to be safe and feel secure right away with someone (no doubt a product of years of suffering from low self-esteem) in order to be certain that things will last and that it’s not “a waste of my time” or so that I won’t be hurt in the end. As a result I often attempt to reach a very high level of intimacy very quickly. Unfortunately this is not easy as intimacy is not something that can be forced or artificially sped up. As I result I find myself taking the seemly easiest path to intimacy, the train to Make-Out-Ville and then on to Sex Valley. Oh sure the view is nice and it involves a lot of fun and exciting things but whenever I arrive at my destination I realize I got on the wrong train, I am holding a one way ticket which I can’t redeem.

What I mean to say is that once I am physically intimate with someone and realize that I did it for the wrong reason (to gain some security and control) it’s awfully hard to go back and say “so hey, by the way I think maybe we shouldn’t have done that because I’m not even sure if I really like you yet. I mean maybe you hate animals or you’re an alcoholic or even worse an ultra-conservative.” I wish there was some sort of screening process that would allow one to weed out the weirdoes, creeps and the sport fanatics. (Not that I don’t like sports, it just can’t understand the need to watch some people I don’t know, playing a game a barely understand running around trying to put some ball, or other phallus, in some hole somewhere while I scream at the TV encouragements or obscenities. Seems pretty andocentric to me, perhaps even Freudian)

Sorry a little off topic. I guess what I am trying to say is that the process of getting to know someone is long and fraught with uncertainty and I feel unprepared to be so vulnerable and uncomfortable without the assurance that the end result will be a positive one. I get restless when things take time (I’ve never been good at committing to long term goals.) that in combination with a high sex drive, a fear of rejection and a need to be in control, makes it almost impossible for me to stay with anyone for any length of time and doubly impossible for me to reach any meaningful level of intimacy with anyone.

Perhaps I should take up skydiving, after all I would certainly have to give up a fair bit of control. Of course I’m not too crazy about the idea of finding out that skydiving isn’t for me while I’m plummeting toward the earth at death defying speeds. I really don’t have an answer for this one. Any ideas?

Weight Loss and Body Image Part One

2005-04-13T11:48:00.000-04:00

As I previously mentioned in my first post. I somewhat recently (about a year ago) lost a little over 50lb. Loosing weight does some funny things to your mind, body and soul especially when you loose it fairly quickly. This is what happened to me. I started the no/low-carb Atkins diet in December 2003. Now I realize that this diet, to many, is seen as a fad, just another quick-fix yo-yo diet or worse, harmful to your health. But I actually found it to be quite a positive diet with some unexpected positive side effects (which will be discussed in Part Two). I also learned a lot about what makes a diet successful and I have decided to bestow my wisdom on anyone willing to listen.

Here is my philosophy on dieting:

#1 A diet must be a life changing, mind altering experience for it to really take hold and for someone to have long term success. It is a commitment, one of those scary long term kinds. But just like a long term relationship there is an exciting woo hoo phase (“I’m so excited, this is great”), an awkward panic phase(“ Oh my God! This is too much, too soon. I can’t handle this) and once you settle in to it you can get to be quite comfortable (“diet? What? No this is part of who I am now. The diet and I are now one, we get alone just great together and I feel better than ever”).

#2 A diet should never make you feel hungry. Deprivation of food is not the answer. Having said that however, sometimes it is important to deprive yourself of some kinds of food, in order to retrain your body into accepting healthy foods rather than junk…this processes sometimes may make one think that they are hungry but really it is just your body saying “Hey! What the fuck, where is the good stuff? You’ve been giving me Fast food for the last 10 years now you’re changing things up on me?”

#3 A diet should not be strict for any length of time and no one should take dieting to an extreme. While retraining my body by limiting my carb intake, I threw several fits, which involved throwing random objects at random innocent bystanders and screaming obscenities. But what got me through those hard times was the knowledge that soon I would be able to start reintroducing carbs into my life (not all at once but slowly over time). Imagine what the world would be like if everyone were on a no-carb diet all the time. Perhaps this explains the actions of some world leaders. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that during Bush’s first term in office he decided to loose a couple of pounds and was on the induction phase of the Atkins diet…it would certainly explain his random fits of starting wars with (perhaps not entirely) innocent bystanders like Iraq. “George, it’s time to put some carbs back into your diet. Quick before you start invading some other country that doesn’t have weapons of mass destruction.”

#4 Finally, it is important to have realistic expectations and to be aware of your body and its limitations. Although I may desire to look like Beyoncé Knowles, I must come to terms with the fact that, my body type is very different from hers and no matter how much weight I loose my body is not going to ever look like that (not to mention the fact that since I’m not black nor am I six feet tall, to look like her would require me to have some serious reverse-Michael-Jackson surgery and be stretched out like circus taffy). So, as you can see it is paramount that one learns to accept their body in all its perfect flaws. I’m still working on that. It’s a long process, that doesn’t cure itself by sudden weight loss.

Part two soon to come….

Guilt

2005-04-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

The second wisest thing my dad has ever said was: "Don't ever put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear"

Yesterday I was sitting on the porch of an old fashioned restaurant having a smoke after dinner. I was thinking to myself that it seems like every time I try to quit doing something that bothers me I pick up a new habit or an old one revisited. I quit smoking pot, I eat more food. I go on a diet and content myself with shopping for things I don't need, spending money I don't have. I quit shopping, and roll up a joint. I am convinced that I am unable to eliminate more than one vice from my life at a time. For all this and for just about everything else in my life I am constantly in a state of feeling guilty. Sitting on that porch the other night I realized that I was even feeling guilty about feeling guilty.

How entirely absurd my mind has become that I allow myself to feel guilty about things to the point of inaction. Changing your life is a pain in the ass, but I suppose it must have its upside or else what the hell am I doing here. I have done (and not done) some crazy things in my life because of the paralyzing guilt I feel on a regular basis. I've tried to force myself to love people I didn't and I have forced myself not to love people I did. I have not stood up for myself in situations where it was definitely warranted and felt guilty about it later. Then when I do stand up for myself, I feel terrible about it. I have allowed people to make me feel like shit, to put me down or blame me for things that I had no control over purely because I would feel guilty standing up for myself and possibly hurting that person in the process. This all stems from my feeling of inadequacy and my fear finding out that I am really not worth loving after all.

Tonight while writing this I have come to a couple of conclusions. First, that life is really Fucked Up! But more importantly, I need to do something about the way my brain works and since I can’t jam a screw driver in my ear and fiddle around with my brain because I’m sure it is smaller than my elbow, I guess there is only one thing left to do. I am going to give up guilt.

I'm great, thanks for asking.

2005-04-07T18:28:00.000-04:00

I’m standing on the edge of a cliff. I want to jump and it seems so simple. Just lift your legs and propel yourself forward. But what I can’t figure out is how to tell my brain to tell my legs to jump. There is something missing inside of me; the link between my brain and my feet.

How does one strive towards honesty, integrity and self love if all they’ve ever learned and practiced is the opposite? I have always thought of myself and a compassionate, selfless and self-aware person. I am starting to realize however that everything I once though about myself is crumbling around me like a sand castle in a rising tide. My layers are melting away and I am faced with my naked self in the mirror questioning every motive for every thing I think and every action that I take. Am I really doing things for others out of the goodness of my heart? Am I motivated, in fact by selflessness or rather selfishness? Do I even know the difference?

These questions terrify me. I want to revert back to my old ways of ignorant bliss and go back to my bed and sleep all day and all night. I don’t want to have to live in reality while I am still trying to figure this stuff out. How can I go out into the world and pretend everything is ok when my insides feel like they’ve been put through a blender? I watch these self-help shows on TV and they say you shouldn’t act happy if your not, you shouldn’t pretend to be a together person when your not or else you end up lying to yourself. But I have no idea how to do this. I picture myself walking out of my house and getting in my car and going to the store…and when the guy behind the counter hands me a pack of smokes and asks me- how are you today? I say- I feel quit terrible today actually, like I’m on fire and there is nothing anyone can do to put it out. But thanks for asking. Seems utterly ridiculous doesn’t it? Maybe I should try it just for the heck of it. Just to see the guy behind the counters reaction. Or maybe I should just stop watching self-help shows on TV.

My dad says that what makes humans so unique and interesting is that they can hold two completely opposing thoughts in their head at once. This may be one of the most insightful things I have ever heard him say. The bipolarity of the human condition is certainly evident to me within my own head. I feel like I am in a constant battle between two completely conflicting thoughts about the world, myself and what I want out of life. What scares me the most I think, is that this state of mind seems to be an innate quality which will never resolve itself. So where does that leave me?

In the begining...

2005-04-06T03:35:00.000-04:00

I should start off by saying that i am in no way a great writer and my life is in no way interesting enough to be able to read about on the internet. Having said that however I doubt very many, if any, people will be reading this and it is more a way for me to work out some stuff in my head. I sould also mention that I am a terrible speller hopefully no one will hold this against me. My name and the names of people that i may mention in this blog have been changed for my and their privacy.

My name is E. I'm 24 and I'm in university, in my thrid first year. I know that sounds wierd but it's true. I have gone to three different Universities and completed on average a years worth of courses in 3 different programs. Now however, after following a long and round about path I feel i am finally where i want to be and on the right track. I live at home with my parents and my sister. My sis is a crazy wild-child typical 19 year old baby sister and i will call her "the terror". While i may think the terror is a self indulgent self distructive party animal....she often tells me i am a grandma and an extreemly uncool selfrightous pain in the ass. I disagree ofcourse...well atleast in part The last thing i want to do is make this whole blog about her and the way she drives me crazy with worry and frustration... she'd love that....so i'll move on.

So as I alluded to earlier, I have recently found myself on a path that seems to be leading in the right direction. I have made some big changes in my life which were sparked by an extented trip i took to Peru, in 2003. I may ellaborate on my experiences there later. Anyways, I have moved back home, lost 50lbs and quit smoking pot...(sort of). it is important to note that quiting smoking pot was a big deal for me seeing as I had been smoking (or self-medicating rather) for almost 4 years on a daily bases. Although lossing wieght, quiting smoking and moving back home may have been possitive steps for me, I have also learned two things about myself in the process. First, that myself image can't be fixed solely by sheding pounds and i have alot more work to do on myself. Second, that no matter what i do there will always be new challenges i will be faced with so i better get used to feeling alittle incomplete. Or perhaps it would be better to say that i must find a way to feel complete dispite my quirks. For this reson I have taken on the project of chronicling some of my expereinces and revelations, to help me in the process of self acceptance.

ok. i think i will end here for now.